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Continuing on a theme of numbered lists, I present to you nine reasons why Silvermoon is the best city in Azeroth. Don’t get the wrong idea though, there are lots more reasons that I could have included but I didn’t want to blow your mind with the sheer breadth of Silvermoon’s awesomeness all at once. In fact, I couldn’t do that even if I tried because technically, they haven’t even finished rebuilding all of Silvermoon. That is how badass the city is: its horribly maimed and scarred and still looks better than Orgrimmar, Stormwind, Ironforge, Undercity and other cities-no-one-ever-goes-to combined!

 

9. Fabulous architecture

Unlike our other Horde allies, blood elves actually have a city made out of modern building supplies. Correction, we have a city made out of modern building supplies that we didn’t steal from humans.

We have two auction houses and this is the ghetto one. 

Thunder Bluff is made out of mostly painted popsicle sticks and twine, Orgrimmar is built out of mud and bone and what we hope is a chemical byproduct from the nearby oil spill run by British Petroleum the Venture Company and the Undercity was built by the Scourge so it looks just like Naxxramas and we hate Naxxramas. Also, lol at trolls.

8. You never have to work

We have magic brooms that do the sweeping for us, arcane robots that police the streets and best of all, we have a semi-secret army of leper gnomes who willingly devote their lives to the glory of Quel’thalas.

 They asked to be kept in cages and shackles, honest. They can get out any time they want.

If you do want to work, you can be employed as a palace guard, prostitute, barkeep, or… if you’re really gross you could risk getting your hair sweaty and do… manual labor.

Fortunately there’s only one dude in the city crazy enough for manual labor. 

7. No public drinking laws

How many times has this happened to you: you’ve spent all night partying with your friends slumming it up in Orgrimmar and while passed out, some barbarian orc parade carrying a giant dragon head tramples you into the dirt.

Or this scenario: Completely smashed and acting on the dare of a close friend, you spend the night with a Forsaken call girl and wake up embraced in the rotting arms of a mutilated corpse. Also, she says she really enjoyed last night and what is it you do for a living again?

Horrifying right? No need to worry about that in Silvermoon! Blood Elves are quite used to various states of drugged stupor and inebriation. We’re very understanding if you suddenly stumble over to the gutter and sleep your mana withdrawals away. In fact, if its cold out, huddle up with a stranger and you’ll ensure a safe and undisturbed night of sleep!

Hey baby is that a sword or are you just… oh gosh no its a sword and you’re definitely stabbing me. 

6. Enchanting brothels

Remember I mentioned Forsaken callgirls a moment ago? Stop, don’t remember them. Some things are best not imagined.

We understand that when you solicit a prostitute you’re not seeking a horrifying glimpse into the disfigured grinning visage of death. Silvermoon prides itself on the fittest, most attractive call girls and rent boys in Azeroth. Our brothels are richly adorned pleasure centers where, for a modest fee, you can enjoy the latest moves in mailbox-dancing, engage in polyamorous adventures with imps, succubi and felhunters and of course, indulge in erotic asphyxiation with willing participants.

See what happens when you don’t use a safe word kids? 

5. Silvermoon has scars

This is one is pretty self-explanatory. Half the city was destroyed by the Scourge a while back, leaving a smoking black swath of disease and decay through the middle of Silvermoon. This is totally ok though because chicks dig scars right?

Yeah, chicks dig this.

4. Free recreational drugs

One of the best parts of Blood Elf society is the liberal attitudes towards recreational drugs. I mean, hey we’re all dealing with the horrible withdrawals from our arcane magic addiction so why not be cool about it if someone starts siphoning the life force out of some magical sentient being right? You can find these things all over the city, conveniently located next to lounge mats, hookahs, and the finest literature ever penned by Alistair Crowley.

Dude, I’m so high. Are you glowing? Haha. Gloooooowiiiiing. 

3. Cultural diversity

Taking pot shots at other cultures and people is fun and all but really, we totally embrace the lifestyles and rich heritages of our Horde allies. Look, we even keep our own druid around!

She totally gets our drug culture. 

But uh… well look. Sometimes we like to get together in the streets for spontaneous celebrations of our… cultural heritage. You shouldn’t come to these gatherings if you’re not a Blood Elf. Its not that you’re not welcome its just… well look it would be awkward for all of us so let’s just be cool ok?

Pictured: non-offensive celebrations of Blood Elf culture. Nothing racist here. 

2. Mu’ru

Once upon a time we were all like… omg this dead scar sucks I wish we had houses and hookers again. Then our badass Prince was like, oh snap I totally have just the thing! So he went out to Outland and found a giant windchime made out of energy and convinced it to help us out by letting us use its energy to satiate our magic withdrawals, power our brooms and perk up the… ears of our prostitutes. Things are totally rad with Mu’ru here lighting up the city like christmas ornament, giving us the ability to be sweet paladins and… wait…

That drunk guy had better not have lost Mu’ru. 

Ok… if I’m reading this right then some jackass broke into the city that’s guarded by a billion robots and killer brooms and stole our giant glowing windchime? Wtf man. Whoever did that is a bastard.

1. Prince Kael’thas

This is the guy who makes it all happen. The robots, the buildings, the guards, the wealth, the drugs, the leisure time, this is the guy that makes it all possible. He flies through the air on a bird that is literally made of fire. He can burn your face off by thinking it. He singlehandedly restored order and purpose to the Blood Elves after nearly singlehandedly saving our entire race from mass slaughter at the hands of the Alliance. There is nothing Blood Elves do not owe this dude and he’s totally our prin-

 

 

 

 

 

Not pictured or even found in Silvermoon: the most badass leader of anyone ever, Prince Kael’thas.

Wait, seriously? You’ve got to be shitting me. Who the hell are the Scryers? They’re saying what now? Oh come on! That’s so ridiculous!

Oh ffs people he’s… its Kael!

DAMN YOU BLIZZARD!