2fps

New Rule – If you have a Chilly Slobberknocker equipped, let someone else do it

I know you mean well and good on you for trying but when you come into a battleground with zero resilience and leveling blues and think you stand a chance at getting that flag back to your side you’re actually acting like a double agent for the other team. They’ll be more than happy to pull people off of defense if it means they can get their flag back just by mowing you down on the way back home. You see that prot warrior with loads of pvp gear? Let her grab the flag!

New Rule – If you’re level 80 and you’re not doing pvp, take Drain Life off your action bar

Its crap damage and advertises that you don’t have a clue what you’re doing. Particularly in a 5man, there should never be a time when Drain Life will help you. Yes there are the exceptions that prove the rule but they don’t apply to you. Or you. Or you in the back. Certainly not you with that Chilly Slobberknocker!

Are we sensing a theme?

New Rule – I’m totally ok with you being mad

Recently I decided I was enjoying WoW too much so I decided to gear my mage for pvp. I started the honor grind with a grand total of 20 resilience from my level 70 trinket and have been cutting myself ever since. I’m up to almost 500 resilience now and even though that’s hardly anything, pair it up with Ice Barrier and I can actually stay alive for a while.

Anyway. I joined up with a VoA25 group recently and was accosted by one of the other mages in the group.

“HEY DO YOU PVP. YOU BETTER NOT PVP BECAUSE I WANT THE WRATHFUL GEAR AND IF YOU WIN IT I’LL BE MAD. SO MAD.”

This pleasant fellow went on in this manner saying that if you weren’t rocking a 2000 rating with a rogue/mage/priest team you had no business taking pvp gear for any reason. The same tired rants spewed out of his mouth about how battlegrounds aren’t real pvp and anyone who doesn’t do it his way is wrong, etc. Of course he only talks like every WoW stereotype ever, even down to the gratuitous use of the pejorative “scrub”.

His trump card is his Warlord title which only makes me think he probably smells bad.

Of course, ultimately he proves every suspicion I have about him correct when we all zone in and he finds out… gasp! He’s already saved to VoA25 this week! His last words before leaving the raid are “Good luck mages on pvp gear. Except Adrina. I hope you don’t win anything scrub!” Powerful words coming from someone who can’t tell their ass from a raid lockout.

Guess what dude. If I win the roll on the Wrathful gear I’m seriously thinking of making a fraps of me deleting it forever in front of you. Just for fun. Or maybe I’ll gem it with spirit and run around in circles in Warsong Gulch because honestly, I’m very very all right with you being mad.

It just ain’t the same yo.

Once upon a time you could get into a battleground without having to wait thirty minutes. Once you got in you wouldn’t always find yourself staring at a perfect win for the other team already in progress.

Tell me again why it takes half an hour to get into Arathi? I’ve entirely given up trying to get into anything else. Tell me again why I’m getting killed in two hits once I do get into Arathi despite having nearly 900 resilience? Tell me why its the last patch of the expansion and victory is still decided by which team has the most Ret paladins and DK’s?

Even more importantly, tell me why I always get killed at the precise moment that ensures I will have to wait the full 30 seconds to spirit rez?

But most importantly, why the hell can I not queue up for more than two battlegrounds at a time?

Grats on making pve content so readily accessible but I hope that accessibility didn’t come at the cost of one of the other majorly fun parts of the game.

The first time I saw some of these things I was in awe. I would get on /gchat and start raving about it to anyone in earshot. Then I’d have a moment of disquietude and slowly decide that I never wanted to see them again.

Come to think, that pretty much describes all my past romantic relationships.

Anyway! Here’s a little list of things I’ve seen in recent battlegrounds that made me go whoa.

1. Mirror Image – Warlock style

Me: Ok… looks like a warlock coming in…
[Battleground]: [Me] 2 inc DR
Enemy lock gets closer, his friend also comes into view and is another lock.
Me: Hm, they have really similar names… and gear… and friends…
Enemy lock multiboxing 4 other locks: /metamorph x5, immolate aura x5, charge x5

Spirit Healer: Resurrecting in 29 seconds…

2. You choo-choo-choose me! And there’s a picture of a train… barreling down on me.

Ah an EotS already in progess and lo! Horde is ahead by 1200! An excellent game to step into if I do say so myself. Why, those heathen gnomes would have to have a miracle to win this one.

Or a death knight grip-chain team.

There was a sudden change in the makeup of the Alliance team as floods of people left the battleground and were replaced by seemingly random death knights from a variety of servers.

I must not have gotten the memo from Acherus saying that all death knights were going to start sharing a hive mind. A small pile of Alliance would stand way away from the bases towards the middle. Then one death knight would stand some 20 or 30 yards off from that group and another would stand 20 or 30 yards off from that guy and so on and so on until you came to the one standing in the middle of BE tower. That guy would grip you into range of the next furthest death knight who would then grip you into range of the next one down the line until you got to the pile in the middle who ate your face.

They ran this routine at each base we had and since our side was already thinking victory was a foregone conclusion they didn’t bother to regroup. Good game Death Knight gank-train, you earned that one.

3. Now boarding! Direct flight from Lumber Mill to the Blacksmith!

I saw his totems up on the cliffside of the Lumber Mill from the Blacksmith. He had been up there all game long. Some people just have their spot and they camp it religiously (yeah I’m talking about you again Creepindeath).

He must be lonely, I haven’t seen anyone go up to try and take LM yet. I’ll go introduce myself.

I get to the top of the hill and he comes into view.

Oh I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Hello tri-boxing shaman men. My name is Rajh and I’ve come to give you a free hk. I’ll begin my casting howl of terr– oh you have multiple tremor totems. Well then I shall introduce you to shado– I see. Well I wish you the best, enjoy the pocketful of silver you’re looting from my body.

Later I decided that I could probably take out at least one of them since I knew now what I was up against.

I crest the hill again. They don’t seem to notice me. I get bold and decide to get some direct damage going right up front.

Ah I apologize, I was rudely about to fire on you before you so graciously interrupted me. No I don’t think I should like to stay after all. I’ll just be on my– ah judging by my velocity and destination you seem to be in the airline industry. Thank you for so generously booking a flight for me. Lightning powered propulsion, you might be on to something there chap.

And now for something completely different.

One thing that I love seeing again and again and again is a particular combination that actually involves me on the side of the victor.

1. WTF nerf warl– nerf ro– nerf something!

My brother shall by playing the part of Adanis the rogue. I play Rajh the lock as usual.

Adanis (stealthed): He thinks its just you up here; he’s coming, get ready.
Enemy approaches, is sapped.
Me: /queues up Chaos Bolt/Immolate.
Adanis: /opens with cheap shot
Me: /conflag
Adanis: /backstabs
Enemy: AAAUUUGHHHH /dies
Us: /cackle

Defined by some as ‘hot sex’ and others as ‘omgineverlearnedtohateuntilimetyou’, the opinions and definitions range when it comes to twinks. I’ll start by putting out a general definition so we’re all on the same page.

Twink, n. – A low level character equipped with gear beyond what an average character of similar level possesses specifically made for pvp play.

Why am I talking about twinks? Turn to page 79 to find out the answer…

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