2fps

If you’ve never seen Real Time with Bill Maher then you might not be familiar with New Rules. If that’s the case, go check it out.

Starting today and recurring every Tuesday hereafter I’m going to be doing my own New Rules. That’s right, I’m not above shamelessly lifting someone else’s bit!

So here we go, New Rules for Tuesday, June 23rd…

New Rule – Nobody but me talks to any strange dragons.

I joined a pug group for BWL recently despite it being quite late and work being quite early the next morning. Classic stupid decision. However, I’m nine elementium bars away from a Thunderfury on my paladin and no one ever wants to help me farm them so there I go. Half the raid isn’t attuned, half of the people who tried to get attuned fail at it, half of those release and run back after dying on Razorgore and then, two UBRS trips and thirty minutes later, someone in the raid asks if it would be ok to talk to the dragon in the next room.

Total elementium recovered = Zero.

New Rule – You can only post on the Elitist Jerks forums if you are in fact an elitist jerk.

Time was that you could flip over to the EJ forums and find quick answers to any theorycrafting issues you were working on in about the space of time it took to cap a flag in Arathi Basin. Now the forums are flooded with garbage posts from people “just looking for advice” or “feedback on my build.”

We know you’re there for information. That’s why the place exists. The answer is already posted and if its not explicitly stated you can figure it out with minimal effort by using your brain. Please, no more posts like the following excerpts:

I’m currently running with this build… Would be nice if someone can give me some feedback.

Do you really need runetap?

How much defense can be sacrificed in order to remain crit-immune?

Isn’t resilence only PvP and isn’t working for PvE?

Greetings, long time reader, first time poster.

If you would give me some tips for tanking Mimiron HC mode it would be great.

New Rule – No more bad guys with monologues.

Please Blizzard, I’m only just now recovering from Illidan’s monotonous mega-monologue, don’t make me listen to yet more bosses who act like they just got off the set from a ’60′s Bond movie. We know that Akama’s duplicity was hardly surprising, Vashj likes baths and Kael’thas… I’m sorry I actually can’t say anything disparaging about Kael’thas, I quite heart him and his monologue.

Do you really think that if a tiny evil gnome standing on top of a giant tank with a battering ram, laser guns and land mines started to lecture me that I wouldn’t smack him in the face before he got into said tank? The least you could do is trap everyone in shadow prisons while he rambles so we have an excuse for standing around like idiots patiently waiting for the old villain to finish his senile stories.

New Rule – Anyone using the terms Casual and/or Hardcore has to be publicly beaten.

Can we all agree that these terms have been bastardized and brutalized so extensively that they’ve lost all meaning? Ask anyone what their definition of a Casual is and you’ll get as many different definitions as you have people. The immature and idiotic have used this word to trashtalk every aspect of the game and the community for too long. Continuing to use the terms these kind of people have ruined only serves to dumb down the dialogue about the game and rope us all into a never ending circus of confused definitions, veiled insults and copout arguments. Because that’s what these terms have become: distractions posing as real issues.

New Rule – Matticus has to tank.

Matticus  has done a lot for healers. His website is packed with resources for healers and guild officers, he helps run Plusheal and hell, even one of my officers twitters him with healing questions.

I don’t think I’ve ever read something he’s written where he comes completely unglued. I’d like this to change.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Matticus is great and I wish him all the best. However, in the interests of comedy and the entertainment of his readers, Matticus must tank. I say tank because I’d like to see him rant about being on the receiving end of things when the healing goes wrong in a big way.

Further, he has to tank a raid with a specific group. The healer should be a Disc priest who frequents his website and spends the entire raid gushing about how great he is… while completely failing to apply any of the helpful information found on the site. This healer must be absent-minded, possess a fair degree of situational awareness mixed with apathy and should talk like a valley girl.

The co-tank must be a jock in his first year of college and he must be dating the healer mentioned previously. He must be jealous of the fawning that his girlfriend is doing over Matticus and he must vent his frustrations through angry, juvenile passive-aggressive putdowns. He must criticize everything Matticus does and must wipe the raid repeatedly while trying to show that he can tank the most mobs at a time.

The dps must include three people who have spent the entirety of their day smoking weed. One of the other dps slots must go to another WoW blogger who will want to talk about ways to improve their blog but only during difficult pulls. A dps death knight must be present who will spend the night telling Matticus how he should blog about death knights more.

Finally, the raid leader must be a dominant personality type threatened by Matticus’s popularity. The raid leader must make asanine decisions about how to proceed in the raid, make random assignments that are a detriment to the group and argue over vent with anyone who questions their decisions. The raid leader must start at least ten sentences with the phrase “This may not be how you do it in your blog…”

Ideally, this entire raid must be done following a night of little to no sleep.

I look forward to reading about the experience!